Another update

Thank you so much for each of your prayers. You have no idea what it means to me to know you care. Please know that you and your families are in my prayers, too.

I didn't realize this until later today, but Mark had actually been secretly praying for a miracle...that somehow the first ultrasound was a mistake and that the baby would be alive and well with a strong heartbeat. I suppose the fact that I was still experiencing a few pregnancy symptoms, and "nothing" was happening yet encouraged these thoughts. I don't know if I am lacking in faith right now or if I am just being realistic but this thought came into my mind only once, when I quickly pushed it out again so as not to have any false hope. I am so quick to accept God's will, that I oftentimes forget to even ask for a miracle.

Anyway, I finally decided to give my Dr. a call. I ended up going in this morning, where I had another ultrasound done, prior to seeing my Dr. I will try to sum up what is/is not going on as clearly and briefly as I can. Basically, I continue to perplex my Dr. She really couldn't believe that I hadn't passed the baby yet. She, like Mark, was secretly hoping for a miracle, that the last ultrasound was just a mistake and that we would find a heartbeat this time and all would be fine. Instead, the fetus has pretty much disappeared. I guess, after this long, things start happening and the body reabsorbs things. This was very depressing to me, as I'm sure you all know. I mean, I can't even wrap my mind around it. It seems such a cruel irony... BUT, my sac is measuring 12 weeks, which is what it would measure at this point, if I were still pregnant, since I would be about 11 1/2 weeks. And it doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon. So, now, she is speculating all sorts of things: an ectopic (a 2nd embryo implanted somewhere outside of the uterus) but I am not having any pain, a mole (did not retain much of what she told me about this and haven't researched it at all), or possibly, a 2nd pregnancy. Yes, that's right. A 2nd pregnancy. Well, we didn't get our miracle with having the first ultrasound be a mistake, but I tell you, if there were a 2nd embryo about to appear, that would certainly be a miracle! Not that I'm hopeful, because I'm not, but she said it is possible. Here's how that would work... At the time I miscarried but didn't actually "know" yet (6 1/2 weeks), my body could have signalled my ovary to release another egg. If this happened, and it was fertilized, then, voila - another baby! But, it would actually be a little early to see at this point, thus the explanation for an empty sac. She said this is rare, but possible. To be honest, it would only be wishful thinking for me. I just don't see that being the case. So, instead of relying on speculation, she ordered Lab to draw my blood for a beta hCG and I will have it done again tomorrow to have something to compare it too. If it goes up, could be ectopic or baby #2. If it goes down, things could happen soon. If it stays the same, NOT good. So, I will keep you posted.

Also, I did ask my Dr. about giving me the baby's remains (for burial) following a D&C, should that become the next step, and other than the fact that they have to send a portion off to be tested, and the fact that nothing would be recognizable at all, she didn't have a problem with it. But she is in no rush to do a D&C, unless I am suffering from depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, etc. and I just want one for my sanity. If only a D&C could fix my insanity...

Well, I am starting to forget how excited we were at the thought of having another baby, and sometimes I wonder if it was all real or just "in my head", so when I was in for my ultrasound, I asked if she still had the picture she took 3 weeks ago, when there was an embryo measuring approximately 6 1/2 weeks and she did, so I now have a picture of this baby, to prove there really was one, that most likely will only be in Heaven and in my heart forever, and no where else.