The babies that were meant just for me

My dear friend, Melissa, always refers to me and my pregnancy losses as, "God chose you to carry His precious cargo." I just love the way she puts it. I truly feel as if the babies I have lost really were meant for me. Here is a beautiful post by someone who has had similar experiences. It's short, but oh, so beautiful. I hope you make time to read it.

The babies that were meant just for me

Carrying to term

If you haven't already heard about the story of baby Faith Hope, you should hear about it now! The Story of baby Faith Hope - It is remarkable and very similar to my own story of Isaac. If I could have a "do over," though, I wish I would have had more "faith" and "hope" throughout my own pregnancy and grief journey with Isaac. I would like to have been more like Myah. She truly is an inspiration...

Here is a recent post of Myah's regarding whether or not to carry a baby that has received a fatal prenatal diagnosis to term. She, like I, had no doubts about what the right decision was. But, for some, this decision is more difficult to make. Read about carrying to term.

Update on me

This is going to be a quick update...you'll see why. It is also not sugar-coated!

I have been going in to have a titre done once a week, to test for the levels of beta hCG in my blood. For those of you who have suffered a miscarriage, you know that your Doctor has to follow the numbers down to 0. Well, as of about 2 weeks ago, my beta hCG levels have stopped dropping. I am somewhere in the 100 range right now. My Dr. ordered an ultrasound this morning and wanted to speak with me afterwards. As of 12:00 pm, today, I was scheduled for a D&C (after all this time) on Monday morning, but by the time I got home (around 1:30 pm), I already had two phone calls (including one from the hospital) informing me that the surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 7:30 am. I actually have to be there at 5:30 am to fill out paperwork and then have labwork done prior to the surgery.

While I am certainly thankful for having been able to deliver the baby at home without having to have a D&C for that, I am now feeling very sorry for myself that I still have to have one done anyway. I guess these feelings are normal? I just wish this were over! I mean, it's been more than two months since I first found out that I had lost the baby, and this is still going on! And, once again, people are having babies all around me. I am happy for them, but it's just so hard when you are in the middle of going through something like this to be genuinely excited for others. I am trying desperately to handle things better this time, though. So even if I feel sad at home, I am trying very hard to hide those feelings when I am out. I just feel guilty when others feel sorry for me.

So, if you read this, just say a little prayer for me to have peace. Peace in knowing I have done all I can do and peace in acceptance that this is part of God's will. I need more peace in my life...

Update on Detar meeting

Well, the inservice at Detar this evening went well. It was the first time I told my story to a room full of complete strangers and I think I got the point across to the nurses that I absolutely treasure my photographs of Isaac. The two Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographers were there to give out information, as well as show a slide show of a recent photo shoot. It was very touching. It's long (it took about 9 1/2 minutes), but if you are interested in reading what I read, here it is...

Hello. Let me start by telling you that I decided at the last minute to write my thoughts down and read them to you, rather than just getting up here and talking. I did this for several reasons: 1) so that I do not lose my train of thought and begin to ramble 2) so that I don’t forget to make some important points and 3) so that we can keep on schedule. =) Also, what I am about to share with you is my story of a very difficult time in my life and while I have become very comfortable over the past two years talking about it to friends, family members and even strangers, I felt this was going to be a bit more formal and I realized that by reading this, it might help to ease any anxiety or nervousness that I might have. I also want to express my sincere understanding towards anyone who may not cry as I tell you this story. I realize that you are here because it is your job and while you have a heart, you certainly cannot get emotionally attached to everyone who comes into this hospital, or you would never get any sleep at night. That said, you may be wondering why I am even doing this. Taking time out of my day to come here this evening and speak with you about something that can no longer benefit me. Well, as you will soon see, Cindy provided me with the greatest gift ever and now I want to do whatever I can to ensure others receive this gift.

My name is Jennifer Kallus. I have been married to my husband, Mark, now for almost nine years, come this November. We had our daughter, Sydney, in June of 2003. After suffering an early pregnancy loss in 2005, along with a year of infertility, we joyfully conceived again, on our 6th anniversary, in November of 2006. We were so excited to finally be expecting again that we carried a glow of happiness with us everywhere we went. We decided to share our news with our family members that Christmas, giving all the glory to God for His wonderful gift, through a special poem that I wrote. Everyone was so happy for us...

But on Thursday, March 22nd, 2007, our world came crashing down on us. We went in for a routine 20-week ultrasound that day and not only found out that we were having a baby boy, but that he would most likely not survive after birth. He was diagnosed as having a severe heart defect called Truncus Arteriosis as well as a diaphragmatic hernia that was pushing all of his organs out of place and causing some to not form at all. As you can imagine, we were devastated. A week later, we were referred to a perinatologist in Houston, who performed an EKG on our baby’s heart and not only confirmed the diagnosis, but also told us things were much worse than they had originally thought. Things are blur from this point on. Many people offered prayers and words of comfort and sent cards and emails, but the two people that stick out in my mind the most were the two people who told me about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Each of them had heard about the organization from a friend. I remember how delicate they each were in telling me about it, for fear that I may get offended or angry, as this usually isn’t something that a lot of people think about or even know about during a time like this. The first time I went to the website to see just how Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep works, I broke down and cried like never before. Reality had set in. Other mothers had lost their babies, and soon, I would too.

But I knew in my heart that this was what I needed. You see, the only pictures I had so far, were ultrasound images and I absolutely cherished those. Even if my son did not live, I knew that I would want to have pictures of him to hold onto forever, especially knowing I wouldn’t have him at home in my arms. I wasn’t sure how I would approach my husband with this, though. You know how men are just different with some things. But it was imperative that he be on board with this, or it might more negatively affect our experience. So, I finally composed myself and built up enough courage to bring the topic up to him. As I expected, the idea of having a professional photographer in the hospital room with us to take pictures, was completely foreign to him. He just said, “What?!?” He couldn’t even imagine how he was going to cope with all of this, not to mention having to compose himself for pictures, now. His first reaction was, “No way!” But as we discussed this over the course of the next couple of weeks, he gradually became more and more open to the idea. I believe that he knew in his heart that he would want pictures of his son, even if it was going to be the most difficult day of his life. So, we finally agreed.

The next step was to contact Cindy Tharp, the photographer in the Victoria area that was listed on the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep website. I sent an email to her briefly explaining my situation and estimated due date, and in just over an hour, she replied back to me. In about a week, we met, got to know one another and briefly discussed how the photo shoot would take place. Cindy advised us to inform all family members who would be in the room with us and with Isaac, that she would be there, so that no one would be caught by surprise. Everyone went along with it, mainly because it was what we wanted, but I could definitely detect some apprehension and concern in their reactions.

On June 4, 2007, at 3:27 pm, our little Isaac was born into the arms of angels. My doctor, my nurse, my aunt, and my husband were there with me in the room ready to meet our baby boy. Oh, and somewhere in the midst of it all, was Cindy. I don’t recall seeing any flashes, hearing any clicks or hearing her speak. All I know is that she captured those first few moments we had with Isaac, even though the room was quiet. There were no cries to be heard, other than our own, for our precious baby was born still. And unlike Isaac’s heart, ours kept beating. Slowly, family members started coming in to say, “Hello” and “Goodbye” at the same time. Somehow, by the grace of God, Mark and I were able to hold it together for the sake of our family members, especially our daughter. We wanted our time spent with Isaac to be memorable for everyone and that it was. We have been able to look back on that day over and over and remember that yes, we did have a baby boy, and thanks to Cindy and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, we can recall what he looked like. Because our time with Isaac was so brief and so overwhelming, our memories have faded and the only images we can really recall are the ones captured on film. It has tremendously helped us through our journey of grief and acceptance and more importantly, it validates our baby’s life. The only certificate issued to us was a death certificate. But the photos we have are proof of our baby’s birth.

June 4th, 2007. Our life with Isaac was that day and to have that captured on film by somebody that really knew what they were doing is priceless. Isaac was here, only briefly, but his life was no less important.

I have experienced firsthand the awkward feelings of having to discuss taking photographs of a dead baby or one who will soon die. It wasn’t easy, but the photos I have now were worth every uncomfortable feeling or moment of awkwardness. They are irreplaceable and of all the plants, flowers, money and gifts we received following Isaac’s funeral, the photos are, above all, the absolute greatest gift. And I will forever remember the two friends who first mentioned Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who helped give me that most wonderful gift.

I realize that most parents who lose a baby, are not prepared, like I was. Many times, they don’t know in advance that their baby is going to die. In fact, they have little or no time at all to think about this. I would venture to say that most will be in a very angry state of mind, like I was when I first found out at 20 weeks into my pregnancy, since that is when the grief and loss, really first occurred for me. So, approaching someone with the idea of photographing their baby will be extremely difficult and will, a lot of times, not be well-received. But, they only have a moment to make a decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives and it may be up to you to help encourage them to make the right one. The photographers with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep have said that no one has ever said, “I wish I hadn’t done it.”

I also realize that for all of you, this is your job. I know that most people are not cut out for the work that you do. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to do what you do and anytime something happens outside the norm that may cause you sadness, it is natural for you to want to remove yourself from the situation. To suggest to a grief-stricken mother or to her family to call a photographer may require you to step out of your zone and put your feelings on the line and that is a lot to ask. But, it is an opportunity for you to help them receive a most precious gift. To know that you can help in some small way just by telling them about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and to help encourage them to call the photographer, you will know in your heart that they will have a lasting memory of their time with their child, no matter how brief. I think the only way you can be more convinced of this is to hear from a mother who has had to grieve the loss of her baby without any professional photos of her child.

On Saturday, November 4th, 2007, on Mark’s 33rd birthday, we found out that we were expecting again, exactly five months after losing Isaac. The pregnancy was not easy so soon after our loss, but very welcomed. And on July 8th, 2008, we were blessed with a healthy baby girl, Gianna Faith, who just turned “1” last week. How does all this tie together? Well, thanks to the photos we have of Isaac, our entire family has been able to heal and continue on with our lives. Our oldest daughter, Sydney, will never forget she had a little brother, even if for a short while, and now Gianna will be able to know that she had an older brother that came before her.
Thank you.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

For those of you who didn't know, we actually had a professional photographer from Victoria, come into the hospital to take pictures of us with Isaac during and following his birth/death back in June 2007. Cindy Tharp gave us probably the best gift ever because the pictures we have of our time with Isaac are all we have of him now. Anyway, she just recently made a slide show of some of the pictures she took of us. It is much shorter than the one I made in the two weeks following his death. She will be using it, with our permission, of course, to try to help convince hospital staff and nurses of the importance of having photos taken of parents and their baby, in the unfortunate event that their baby dies. Any parent has the right to have this done; however, so many people are unaware of the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation. It is for this reason that it is so very important for the nurses to not only know about this, but to encourage it as well. No one who has ever had photos taken of their baby has ever regretted it. So, if any of you who read this, ever hear about someone going through a similar situation as we were in two years ago, or even if it's different, but the outcome is the same, you will be giving a most precious gift by informing them of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I will never forget that Heather and Courtney were the ones who suggested this to me. Thanks to them, and to Cindy, our memories of Isaac and our time with him, will live on forever.

Name for our baby

I said I would share this when the time was right. Since, we never start thinking about baby names until I am well into my pregnancies, we didn't already have one picked out. So, when we found out that our baby had died, we knew we still wanted to select a name for him/her. I prayed really hard (kind of like I did with Isaac) that the Holy Spirit would reveal the name to me. Mark and I made a list of names and we went back and forth on several, though one name stood out from all the rest...Samuel. We each asked Sydney (on separate occasions) what name she thought we should choose and she told us each the same name...Baby Sam. Now, Samuel was one of the names we had considered for Isaac. Mainly because we had offered him up to God, whether he lived or died. In other words, if, by some miracle, he would have survived, we had made a promise to God that we would consecrate, or dedicate, him to the Lord. This promise was based on a passage from 1 Samuel 1:27-28, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted my request. Now I, in turn, give him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he shall be dedicated to the Lord." This was also the verse we had printed on Isaac's birth announcement. Anyway, being that we did not know the gender of this baby, and the fact that "Sam" could go both ways, Samuel still felt right. For some reason, we feel that this, too, was a baby boy. So, there you have it. Samuel. His Name is God.

Finally

I ended up completing my miscarriage on my own at home around 1:45 am this morning. It was, by far, one of the worst experiences of my life. I think I was on the verge of having to go to ER, but, by the grace of God, I was able to avoid that. I am not going to go into much detail here, but Mark and I surprised ourselves by how much we were able to cope with on our own. It was pretty much an all-nighter for us, too, which, as it turns out, worked out the best for us, considering both of our moms were out of town, so we had no back-up babysitters, other than my sister, who has 4 of her own and a husband on call for work this weekend. So, our precious little girls slept peacefully down the hall the whole time. God truly knew what we needed and He did not leave our side.

So, we were able to lay our baby to rest at around 3:30 pm this afternoon, during the hour of mercy. Our priest, Father Michael Lyons, my parents and my sister and her husband were there to help us.

We send a heartfelt THANK YOU to all who walked through this journey with us. We hope you realize you were selected by God to help us through this and for that we will forever by grateful. May He bless you all abundantly for the many ways you have shown His love for us through your prayers and support.

In His hands,

Mark, Jennifer, Sydney and Gianna

Final Update

The Dr. called on Friday to let me know that my level of hCG had dropped by 5,000 in a 24-hour period. So, that was a sure indication that this was definitely a missed miscarriage (the nurse referred to it as a 'missed abortion', but I absolutely hate that terminology). I am to go back in a week to have my blood drawn again. I will have to continue doing this on a weekly basis, so that they can follow my numbers down to zero. I've had to do this before and it just seems to make everything drag on and on, but it's the safest way to ensure things are happening as they should.

Another update

Thank you so much for each of your prayers. You have no idea what it means to me to know you care. Please know that you and your families are in my prayers, too.

I didn't realize this until later today, but Mark had actually been secretly praying for a miracle...that somehow the first ultrasound was a mistake and that the baby would be alive and well with a strong heartbeat. I suppose the fact that I was still experiencing a few pregnancy symptoms, and "nothing" was happening yet encouraged these thoughts. I don't know if I am lacking in faith right now or if I am just being realistic but this thought came into my mind only once, when I quickly pushed it out again so as not to have any false hope. I am so quick to accept God's will, that I oftentimes forget to even ask for a miracle.

Anyway, I finally decided to give my Dr. a call. I ended up going in this morning, where I had another ultrasound done, prior to seeing my Dr. I will try to sum up what is/is not going on as clearly and briefly as I can. Basically, I continue to perplex my Dr. She really couldn't believe that I hadn't passed the baby yet. She, like Mark, was secretly hoping for a miracle, that the last ultrasound was just a mistake and that we would find a heartbeat this time and all would be fine. Instead, the fetus has pretty much disappeared. I guess, after this long, things start happening and the body reabsorbs things. This was very depressing to me, as I'm sure you all know. I mean, I can't even wrap my mind around it. It seems such a cruel irony... BUT, my sac is measuring 12 weeks, which is what it would measure at this point, if I were still pregnant, since I would be about 11 1/2 weeks. And it doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon. So, now, she is speculating all sorts of things: an ectopic (a 2nd embryo implanted somewhere outside of the uterus) but I am not having any pain, a mole (did not retain much of what she told me about this and haven't researched it at all), or possibly, a 2nd pregnancy. Yes, that's right. A 2nd pregnancy. Well, we didn't get our miracle with having the first ultrasound be a mistake, but I tell you, if there were a 2nd embryo about to appear, that would certainly be a miracle! Not that I'm hopeful, because I'm not, but she said it is possible. Here's how that would work... At the time I miscarried but didn't actually "know" yet (6 1/2 weeks), my body could have signalled my ovary to release another egg. If this happened, and it was fertilized, then, voila - another baby! But, it would actually be a little early to see at this point, thus the explanation for an empty sac. She said this is rare, but possible. To be honest, it would only be wishful thinking for me. I just don't see that being the case. So, instead of relying on speculation, she ordered Lab to draw my blood for a beta hCG and I will have it done again tomorrow to have something to compare it too. If it goes up, could be ectopic or baby #2. If it goes down, things could happen soon. If it stays the same, NOT good. So, I will keep you posted.

Also, I did ask my Dr. about giving me the baby's remains (for burial) following a D&C, should that become the next step, and other than the fact that they have to send a portion off to be tested, and the fact that nothing would be recognizable at all, she didn't have a problem with it. But she is in no rush to do a D&C, unless I am suffering from depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, etc. and I just want one for my sanity. If only a D&C could fix my insanity...

Well, I am starting to forget how excited we were at the thought of having another baby, and sometimes I wonder if it was all real or just "in my head", so when I was in for my ultrasound, I asked if she still had the picture she took 3 weeks ago, when there was an embryo measuring approximately 6 1/2 weeks and she did, so I now have a picture of this baby, to prove there really was one, that most likely will only be in Heaven and in my heart forever, and no where else.

Things that are hard...

Being around other pregnant women is not generally what is hard right now. What is hard is being around pregnant women who know what is going on with me and can't help rubbing their tummy in my presence. Right in front of me. I know they don't mean anything by it, but it is still very painful. It feels like they are oblivious to my pain or just don't care.

Another thing that is hard is being around pregnant women who drink or even sip wine or other alcoholic beverages. Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy while I am pregnant and/or breastfeeding. If it has caffeine or alcohol, I won't touch it. I know that a teensy weensy amount won't affect the baby. BUT, WHY?!?! I won't die without it, so I just avoid it. Now, here I am, still pregnant, only with a dead baby, and, because I am still breastfeeding, I don't drink the wine. But the one who is pregnant with a live baby, is sipping on wine. Talk about a slap in the face! It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how careful one is, we are still not in control. God is.

Some sad news...

First of all, I want to extend a heartfelt, "Thank You" to whoever reads this. It means you are thinking of us. You are wondering what is going on in our lives. I didn't send this to you to read, you came here on your own. That is why I created a blogspot to begin with. For the convenience of those who want to know what is happening with our family without the inconvenience of me filling up your email inbox each time I need to share our latest news. Now, on to the sad news...

Well, once again, the Lord has given and the Lord has taken away.

He has taken away what was rightfully His, that is. With God's help, we had joyfully conceived another little soul. But we recently found out that this precious baby has indeed died. Now, here I am, waiting. Just waiting for nature to take it's course. Now, I have had some problem pregnancies, to say the least. So far, we have 4 souls in Heaven and 2 on earth. Of the 4 losses, this is surprisingly my first and so far, only miscarriage. And while this is totally different than our loss with Isaac, it is so much more real because of him. The completely different part is that Isaac was alive inside of me until delivery, where he was stillborn. This little one is also inside of me, but no longer living. Of all the misconceptions I had about miscarriage, this has to be the biggest one. I have totally underestimated the level of difficulty in the "waiting."

What I had was a missed miscarriage. I was 8 1/2 weeks along when I started having some "issues." When I went in, they took me straight in for an ultrasound, and the baby was measuring only 6 1/2 weeks, and with no heartbeat. This was devastating...once again. For about a month, Mark & I were so excited that God had blessed us again and so soon. This little one was expected to arrive on December 20th...what an early Christmas present that would be! Gianna would be 17 1/2 months old at that time. So, of course we were also a little nervous, but still so excited! Like all the other times before, we were waiting to tell our immediate family until I was out of my first trimester. But when we found out I had miscarried, we did tell our parents that they now have another little grandchild in Heaven and we asked them to share the news with our siblings for us, and anyone else who they felt moved to tell. So, this is not a secret. But oh, how glad we were that we had not made some big announcement.

I know I will receive some criticism for posting this on our blog and not, at the very least, sending this to our family and friends via email. Some even consider that impersonal. But you know what? I have learned that I cannot please everyone. And blogging is somewhat therapeutic for me and if this is how I choose to share this news, so be it. I remember how difficult it was for me to make that dreaded phone call to each of our moms that day to tell them the news of Isaac when I had gone in for my 20 week ultrasound. Those were, to date, the most difficult phone calls I have ever had to make. I couldn't possibly have been able to call everyone and explain that situation over and over and over. So, I sent out a mass email, pleading for prayers. And I received criticism for that. Then, when we chose not to make a formal announcement of our pregnancy with Gianna, some of our friends never found out about that pregnancy until she was already here. Talk about a shock for some! And I received criticism for that. My goodness! Until they have walked a mile in our shoes, they shouldn't judge how we handled certain situations in our life. And, those same friends remain very special to us, regardless of how "personal" they took things.

Now, back to the missed miscarriage. Basically, my body still thinks I am pregnant. Right now, 10 1/2 weeks. Yes, the baby is still inside of me, only it is not growing and is no longer alive. Once my body figures out it is no longer pregnant, then it will take the necessary steps to "deliver" the baby. I don't know much more than what little I have researched and what others have shared with me. My Doctor is very "natural" and she, herself, has suffered from 6 miscarriages. Since I was so early on in my pregnancy, she seemed to think I had a 99% chance of this resolving itself, without any intervention (i.e. D&C). I was fine with that. I have had a D&C before (before my ectopic pregnancy was diagnosed) and while it is not that difficult of a surgery, it just makes everything so "medical." Not to mention that it is "intervention," which I'm not totally crazy about. But it's been almost two weeks since I met with my Doctor and I really thought things would have happened by now. The hardest part about this for me is being stuck in this "limbo" state of life. I don't feel like I can move on with the grief until we have closure. And we won't have closure until this baby's physical body is out of mine. It is so extremely hard to live life as "normal" and pretend like I am fine. I mean, I am walking around with a dead baby inside of me. It feels twisted. Almost embarrassing. At times, I feel ashamed. I don't understand those feelings, I just feel them. This is not something that is obvious to others who don't know (since they didn't know I was pregnant and I'm not showing) and I certainly don't want to share this to depress them or make them feel bad, so I have to pretend that I am just fine. Isn't that crazy?

So, if you are wanting to pray for us, please pray that God will allow this to happen on it's own and SOON. If it doesn't happen soon, I may have no choice but to have a D&C, due to the risk of infection. I know God has His reasons and Mark & I have been as open and trusting of His plan as we know how to be. But this just doesn't make sense. God has already taken the baby. We are not angry with Him and we have already reached the 7th stage of grief...acceptance. Now why must I have to continue waiting for this to be over? It's torture...

So, while I am waiting, I am praying for our friends who have been struggling with infertility for years. I have already decided to offer up any physical pain I must undergo for those dear couples. Pain is never as bad when you can use it as a form of prayer and turn it into something good. Some of these couples have been struggling anywhere from five to eight years or possibly even more. Two couples, in particular, who happen to be Catholic, are not open to IVF or AI, due to our relgious beliefs. They are, respectfully and admirably, carrying their cross of suffering with infertility and remaining open to God's plan. One of my dear friends shared with me that all she desires is to create a "soul." She knows that if she became pregnant, there would be the possibilty of a loss, but at least she and her husband could, together with God, have created a soul for all eternity. Wow. How many people can truly comprehend such a desire? With so many people in today's society that believe children are a "commodity" that can be purchased at a fertility clinic or disposed of at an abortion clinic or even "controlled" and/or aborted with contraception, there are people out there that still "get it." They realize what a precious gift from God children truly are and that there will forever be a soul for all eternity. One More Soul.....

Ok, back to me. If you are wondering why I am so adamant about this happening naturally, this is why. But only read on if you feel strong enough to do so...it might be TMI (too much information)...

In my brief research the day following the ultrasound, I came across this website called Heaven's Gain. I knew right away that it was a sign from God, because He knows what we need. And I needed this website. I just couldn't imagine the thought of "flushing my baby down the toilet." But I didn't know what else I was going to do. I had never asked anyone else what they did. It's not that I didn't care, I just didn't know. But now I do. And I have much more compassion for those who have lost a baby early on. Now, this is what I have to do. I realize that not everyone does this. But I need to. And if I have a D&C, well this is what will happen. So, at the risk of infertility, I am waiting, so that my baby's remains will be handled respectfully. By the way, we did select a name for this baby, although we are not sharing it at this time. Maybe later, when the time is right.












Thank you for reading this. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings with you. Thank you for being interested enough in our family to want to know what's going on with us. Most importantly, thank you for your prayers.

In His Hands,
Jennifer

UPDATE: 5/27, 2:24 PM
I just want to apologize to anyone who has had a miscarriage that either had to have a D&C or did not bury their baby. I do not think you did anything wrong and I certainly don't want to make you feel guilty for anything you did or did not do. I hesitated on even posting this information, for fear that I may offend someone or bring up past hurts, but at the same time I felt this information was important enough in the event that someone else may go through this in the future and otherwise would not know their options. I have had an earlier loss before and at the time was not as educated and I have my regrets. Even when Isaac was born, there were things I was not as educated about as I am now. We learn. We grow. We love. I am simply trying to help others learn, grow and love.

A Good Catholic Family

With 2 children (both girls) on earth and 3 souls in Heaven, including our baby boy, Isaac, I feel like this article was written specifically for me...pride and all. And, my sister, who is 5 years younger than me, with 4 children so far, I feel like the last comment was written specifically for her.

Read it for yourself...it was written by Karen Edmisten, http://karenedmisten.blogspot.com/

A Good Catholic Family

We see five kids, or six … or seven. Maybe one on the way. And we know. That’s a good Catholic family.

And they certainly are. Their openness to life is an apparent and beautiful witness. But what of those families whose children number only one, two or three? Are we to surmise anything about them?

The question is more than hypothetical for many. My husband and I, for example, strive to be faithful Catholics, to live out all the teachings of the Faith, including those on marriage and children. We have three children -- on earth. In Heaven there are six other souls whom I hope to meet someday. As we have suffered through miscarriages we have gained powerful prayer warriors in Heaven, but our large family isn't visible to the world. This is painfully clear every time I am confronted by the issue. The questions range from well-meaning to thoughtless (though never, I am certain, ill-willed):

"Do you want more?"
"Are you going to try for a boy?"
"Three? You need more!"

Awhile back I met a friend’s mother, and the conversation turned to children. I had two children at the time and I proudly rattled off my daughters' names and ages. She smiled politely. When another guest mentioned her five children, my acquaintance lit up. "That's wonderful!" she said. "So few people have that many these days!"

Ouch. She didn't mean to hurt me, but her words stung as surely as if she’d slapped me on the cheek. I had just lost a baby two weeks prior. I wanted to shout, "I want more -- I have more! They're in Heaven -- does that count?"

Of course she’d have been horrified to know that her words hurt me and of course I said nothing. Charity often demands silence. And it's worth noting that some of my reaction stems from pride. In the presence of people who value life I want them to know that I value it dearly, too. My openness to life is hidden in Heaven with my babies who (I hope and trust) pray daily for their mother to be less prideful and more able to handle the little stings that come her way. But still ... still ....

It hurts to be judged, yet it can be a vital wake-up call to not judge others. A few years ago I similarly judged an acquaintance. When I overheard her being asked about more children, I dismissed her curt response as that of one who is closed to life. I later found out that she’d been unable to conceive again, and I was jolted back to the reality of my own pain and my uncharitably quick judgment.

"Therefore, do not make any judgment before the appointed time, until the Lord comes, for He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will manifest the motives of our hearts" -- 1 Corinthians, 4:5

I was reminded not to judge by the visible number of children. Good Catholic families come in all sizes and "only" one, two or three children may be the visible sign of parents who have suffered.

Conversely, families with many children can struggle in their own ways with openness to life. Occasionally, mothers-of-many can, during difficult or overwhelming times, feel just as "closed" to life as those who don’t understand Catholic teachings on contraception. It seems a cruel irony that a woman with eight children yells at God for the latest positive pregnancy test on the same day that another woman blames Him for the loss of her baby.

It is not a cruel irony, but a holy one. Only the Lord knows exactly what we need -- He is purifying each of us in His own way, allowing what He knows to be best, as we struggle to understand His movement in our lives.

And so, I turn to Him each day, both to understand His will for our family, and to ask for the grace to avoid judging others unfairly. Having struggled on both sides of the issue, I can say that perhaps the best response, when we hear, "Kids? Yes, we have two," is a simple, "And what blessings they must be!" Then, let's pray for one another. Now, that’s a sign of a good Catholic family.

Jo Flemings said...
I appreciate what you have said here. I am expecting baby #13 and it is no badge of merit of mine by any means. I am undeservingly blessed in this way, but the number of kids I have is no indicator of personal holiness by any stretch of the imagination. I think I would actually be much holier if I had fewer children because I would be more in control of so many things in my life that escape me in the cross bearing aspects of this lifestyle, and you know more hours of consistent sleep, uninterrupted tasks, silence etc all of these things add quality to life that is nonexistent for me in my 25th year of marriage, pregnancy and or nursing a baby. As much as it hurts women who wanted more than God gave to be assessed in their devotion by this external factor it also hurts to be thought of as someone who has some set of virtues or qualities that are assumed a package deal with a large family. It is in Christ alone that our sanctity lies and hopefully we can give Him glory in as many and as varied a number of ways as the expression of His creativity has fashioned our different lives and families.
January 15, 2009 8:53 PM

http://karenedmisten.blogspot.com/2007/08/good-catholic-family.html