Update on Detar meeting

Well, the inservice at Detar this evening went well. It was the first time I told my story to a room full of complete strangers and I think I got the point across to the nurses that I absolutely treasure my photographs of Isaac. The two Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographers were there to give out information, as well as show a slide show of a recent photo shoot. It was very touching. It's long (it took about 9 1/2 minutes), but if you are interested in reading what I read, here it is...

Hello. Let me start by telling you that I decided at the last minute to write my thoughts down and read them to you, rather than just getting up here and talking. I did this for several reasons: 1) so that I do not lose my train of thought and begin to ramble 2) so that I don’t forget to make some important points and 3) so that we can keep on schedule. =) Also, what I am about to share with you is my story of a very difficult time in my life and while I have become very comfortable over the past two years talking about it to friends, family members and even strangers, I felt this was going to be a bit more formal and I realized that by reading this, it might help to ease any anxiety or nervousness that I might have. I also want to express my sincere understanding towards anyone who may not cry as I tell you this story. I realize that you are here because it is your job and while you have a heart, you certainly cannot get emotionally attached to everyone who comes into this hospital, or you would never get any sleep at night. That said, you may be wondering why I am even doing this. Taking time out of my day to come here this evening and speak with you about something that can no longer benefit me. Well, as you will soon see, Cindy provided me with the greatest gift ever and now I want to do whatever I can to ensure others receive this gift.

My name is Jennifer Kallus. I have been married to my husband, Mark, now for almost nine years, come this November. We had our daughter, Sydney, in June of 2003. After suffering an early pregnancy loss in 2005, along with a year of infertility, we joyfully conceived again, on our 6th anniversary, in November of 2006. We were so excited to finally be expecting again that we carried a glow of happiness with us everywhere we went. We decided to share our news with our family members that Christmas, giving all the glory to God for His wonderful gift, through a special poem that I wrote. Everyone was so happy for us...

But on Thursday, March 22nd, 2007, our world came crashing down on us. We went in for a routine 20-week ultrasound that day and not only found out that we were having a baby boy, but that he would most likely not survive after birth. He was diagnosed as having a severe heart defect called Truncus Arteriosis as well as a diaphragmatic hernia that was pushing all of his organs out of place and causing some to not form at all. As you can imagine, we were devastated. A week later, we were referred to a perinatologist in Houston, who performed an EKG on our baby’s heart and not only confirmed the diagnosis, but also told us things were much worse than they had originally thought. Things are blur from this point on. Many people offered prayers and words of comfort and sent cards and emails, but the two people that stick out in my mind the most were the two people who told me about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Each of them had heard about the organization from a friend. I remember how delicate they each were in telling me about it, for fear that I may get offended or angry, as this usually isn’t something that a lot of people think about or even know about during a time like this. The first time I went to the website to see just how Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep works, I broke down and cried like never before. Reality had set in. Other mothers had lost their babies, and soon, I would too.

But I knew in my heart that this was what I needed. You see, the only pictures I had so far, were ultrasound images and I absolutely cherished those. Even if my son did not live, I knew that I would want to have pictures of him to hold onto forever, especially knowing I wouldn’t have him at home in my arms. I wasn’t sure how I would approach my husband with this, though. You know how men are just different with some things. But it was imperative that he be on board with this, or it might more negatively affect our experience. So, I finally composed myself and built up enough courage to bring the topic up to him. As I expected, the idea of having a professional photographer in the hospital room with us to take pictures, was completely foreign to him. He just said, “What?!?” He couldn’t even imagine how he was going to cope with all of this, not to mention having to compose himself for pictures, now. His first reaction was, “No way!” But as we discussed this over the course of the next couple of weeks, he gradually became more and more open to the idea. I believe that he knew in his heart that he would want pictures of his son, even if it was going to be the most difficult day of his life. So, we finally agreed.

The next step was to contact Cindy Tharp, the photographer in the Victoria area that was listed on the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep website. I sent an email to her briefly explaining my situation and estimated due date, and in just over an hour, she replied back to me. In about a week, we met, got to know one another and briefly discussed how the photo shoot would take place. Cindy advised us to inform all family members who would be in the room with us and with Isaac, that she would be there, so that no one would be caught by surprise. Everyone went along with it, mainly because it was what we wanted, but I could definitely detect some apprehension and concern in their reactions.

On June 4, 2007, at 3:27 pm, our little Isaac was born into the arms of angels. My doctor, my nurse, my aunt, and my husband were there with me in the room ready to meet our baby boy. Oh, and somewhere in the midst of it all, was Cindy. I don’t recall seeing any flashes, hearing any clicks or hearing her speak. All I know is that she captured those first few moments we had with Isaac, even though the room was quiet. There were no cries to be heard, other than our own, for our precious baby was born still. And unlike Isaac’s heart, ours kept beating. Slowly, family members started coming in to say, “Hello” and “Goodbye” at the same time. Somehow, by the grace of God, Mark and I were able to hold it together for the sake of our family members, especially our daughter. We wanted our time spent with Isaac to be memorable for everyone and that it was. We have been able to look back on that day over and over and remember that yes, we did have a baby boy, and thanks to Cindy and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, we can recall what he looked like. Because our time with Isaac was so brief and so overwhelming, our memories have faded and the only images we can really recall are the ones captured on film. It has tremendously helped us through our journey of grief and acceptance and more importantly, it validates our baby’s life. The only certificate issued to us was a death certificate. But the photos we have are proof of our baby’s birth.

June 4th, 2007. Our life with Isaac was that day and to have that captured on film by somebody that really knew what they were doing is priceless. Isaac was here, only briefly, but his life was no less important.

I have experienced firsthand the awkward feelings of having to discuss taking photographs of a dead baby or one who will soon die. It wasn’t easy, but the photos I have now were worth every uncomfortable feeling or moment of awkwardness. They are irreplaceable and of all the plants, flowers, money and gifts we received following Isaac’s funeral, the photos are, above all, the absolute greatest gift. And I will forever remember the two friends who first mentioned Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who helped give me that most wonderful gift.

I realize that most parents who lose a baby, are not prepared, like I was. Many times, they don’t know in advance that their baby is going to die. In fact, they have little or no time at all to think about this. I would venture to say that most will be in a very angry state of mind, like I was when I first found out at 20 weeks into my pregnancy, since that is when the grief and loss, really first occurred for me. So, approaching someone with the idea of photographing their baby will be extremely difficult and will, a lot of times, not be well-received. But, they only have a moment to make a decision that will affect them for the rest of their lives and it may be up to you to help encourage them to make the right one. The photographers with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep have said that no one has ever said, “I wish I hadn’t done it.”

I also realize that for all of you, this is your job. I know that most people are not cut out for the work that you do. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to do what you do and anytime something happens outside the norm that may cause you sadness, it is natural for you to want to remove yourself from the situation. To suggest to a grief-stricken mother or to her family to call a photographer may require you to step out of your zone and put your feelings on the line and that is a lot to ask. But, it is an opportunity for you to help them receive a most precious gift. To know that you can help in some small way just by telling them about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and to help encourage them to call the photographer, you will know in your heart that they will have a lasting memory of their time with their child, no matter how brief. I think the only way you can be more convinced of this is to hear from a mother who has had to grieve the loss of her baby without any professional photos of her child.

On Saturday, November 4th, 2007, on Mark’s 33rd birthday, we found out that we were expecting again, exactly five months after losing Isaac. The pregnancy was not easy so soon after our loss, but very welcomed. And on July 8th, 2008, we were blessed with a healthy baby girl, Gianna Faith, who just turned “1” last week. How does all this tie together? Well, thanks to the photos we have of Isaac, our entire family has been able to heal and continue on with our lives. Our oldest daughter, Sydney, will never forget she had a little brother, even if for a short while, and now Gianna will be able to know that she had an older brother that came before her.
Thank you.