Update on me

This is going to be a quick update...you'll see why. It is also not sugar-coated!

I have been going in to have a titre done once a week, to test for the levels of beta hCG in my blood. For those of you who have suffered a miscarriage, you know that your Doctor has to follow the numbers down to 0. Well, as of about 2 weeks ago, my beta hCG levels have stopped dropping. I am somewhere in the 100 range right now. My Dr. ordered an ultrasound this morning and wanted to speak with me afterwards. As of 12:00 pm, today, I was scheduled for a D&C (after all this time) on Monday morning, but by the time I got home (around 1:30 pm), I already had two phone calls (including one from the hospital) informing me that the surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 7:30 am. I actually have to be there at 5:30 am to fill out paperwork and then have labwork done prior to the surgery.

While I am certainly thankful for having been able to deliver the baby at home without having to have a D&C for that, I am now feeling very sorry for myself that I still have to have one done anyway. I guess these feelings are normal? I just wish this were over! I mean, it's been more than two months since I first found out that I had lost the baby, and this is still going on! And, once again, people are having babies all around me. I am happy for them, but it's just so hard when you are in the middle of going through something like this to be genuinely excited for others. I am trying desperately to handle things better this time, though. So even if I feel sad at home, I am trying very hard to hide those feelings when I am out. I just feel guilty when others feel sorry for me.

So, if you read this, just say a little prayer for me to have peace. Peace in knowing I have done all I can do and peace in acceptance that this is part of God's will. I need more peace in my life...