Sydney's hairstyle for the wedding

In less than 2 weeks, my sister, Pamela, will be getting married. I have been trying different hairstyles on Sydney and I think I may have finally found "the one." Pamela, what do you think?

UPDATE 6/29, 3:57 PM Pamela actually thought this was cute?!?

The night Sydney got her hair cut, back in May, we decided to try out those pink foam rollers. The next morning, we awoke to this!? Rebecca thought it would be funny to play a joke on Pamela and tell her this is how Sydney would be wearing her hair for the wedding. She is one of the flower girls. Well, Pamela actually liked it! That was not quite the reaction we had anticipated. Anyway, we still aren't sure how we are going to fix her hair, but one thing is for sure: we will not be curling it in pink curlers the night before the wedding!

Fiesta Texas...

...is so ridiculously expensive! If it weren't for the FREE tickets Sydney earned during this past school year by reading for 6 hours outside of "class," we probably wouldn't have gone! She not only earned herself a free ticket (valued at 34.99), but she also earned a free one for her teacher - that's me! (valued at 49.99) I also did a quick search online to find a coupon for Mark. You can purchase tickets at a discounted rate in advance online; however, they try to stick you with a $5 print processing fee. I don't get that...I mean I was going to have to print it with my computer/printer!??? Anyway, with the coupon I found, we were able to get $15 off of Mark's ticket at the gate and save quite a bit of money by bringing our own snacks and water. All in all, we had fun, but I must say that I can't do the things I was able to do when I was younger. I don't know exactly why or when it happened, but somewhere between the ages of 25 and 35, I lost the ability to ride roller coasters. They just plain hurt now. Your head gets thrust back and forth, causing a massive headache and the flips and turns cause major nausea. Let's just say the snacks I ate didn't stay down by the end of the night!

Our Trip to the Beach

Each summer, my aunt, Sister Laura Toman (in the middle), invites all of her family members to stay with her at a condo in Port Aransas. The owner of the condo knows her from the Catholic School her children attended while my aunt was working there. Anyway, she gives her one full week during the peak of the summer, free of charge, as a gift. Now, even though Aunt Jody extends this invitation to each of her family members (4 sisters, 1 sister-in-law, 10 nieces & nephews and their spouses and children), we are the only ones who take her up on this incredible offer each year. My sister, her four children and I, with my two, went this year from Wednesday, June 17th - Saturday, June 20th, with Mark joining us Friday evening. Yes, packing and travelling with so many was crazy, not to mention the close living quarters, but this has somehow become a summer tradition for us and our children have come to look forward to "going to the beach with Aunt Jody" each summer. They just love her and she loves having her "babies" all around her whenever possible. She is so good with them and helps us out whenever she can. She is particularly good at applying sunscreen in an assembly line fashion once we get them dressed and sent her way.

Here are some more pictures of our fun trip.

Sydney (and Mary Kathryn) at the top of the sand dune on the way to the beach.

Me, pulling my niece out on the mini-raft to ride the waves.



Sydney's favorite place to be is on the shore, playing in the sand.
It sure makes it easy to keep an eye on her!

Me and Sydney sitting and playing in the wet sand. This was before I got some sun!

Gianna loved the water (which is so scary!) If I would have let her go,

she would have very happily crawled out into the ocean.

Drinking watermelon juice

After Gianna finished eating her watermelon, she tried to figure out a way to get the remaining juice off of her tray. She gave it her best shot!

Sydney's 6 year portraits

This pink costume was from her lyrical dance...

The blue costume is from her "hip-hop" dance...

The brown dress is well, just something she has...

Click here to view the entire session.

Gianna's 11 month portraits

Click here to view the entire session.

Happy Birthday Sydney!

Finally

I ended up completing my miscarriage on my own at home around 1:45 am this morning. It was, by far, one of the worst experiences of my life. I think I was on the verge of having to go to ER, but, by the grace of God, I was able to avoid that. I am not going to go into much detail here, but Mark and I surprised ourselves by how much we were able to cope with on our own. It was pretty much an all-nighter for us, too, which, as it turns out, worked out the best for us, considering both of our moms were out of town, so we had no back-up babysitters, other than my sister, who has 4 of her own and a husband on call for work this weekend. So, our precious little girls slept peacefully down the hall the whole time. God truly knew what we needed and He did not leave our side.

So, we were able to lay our baby to rest at around 3:30 pm this afternoon, during the hour of mercy. Our priest, Father Michael Lyons, my parents and my sister and her husband were there to help us.

We send a heartfelt THANK YOU to all who walked through this journey with us. We hope you realize you were selected by God to help us through this and for that we will forever by grateful. May He bless you all abundantly for the many ways you have shown His love for us through your prayers and support.

In His hands,

Mark, Jennifer, Sydney and Gianna

Message for Jennifer H.

I tried to send a personal email to everyone who has openly been praying for us. You are the only one I don't have an email address for. If you would like to email me, my email address is jkallus@sbcglobal.net. If I don't hear from you directly, please know that I appreciate so much all of your prayers and I will forever be grateful to you! God bless you and your family!

This is what keeps us going!

Final Update

The Dr. called on Friday to let me know that my level of hCG had dropped by 5,000 in a 24-hour period. So, that was a sure indication that this was definitely a missed miscarriage (the nurse referred to it as a 'missed abortion', but I absolutely hate that terminology). I am to go back in a week to have my blood drawn again. I will have to continue doing this on a weekly basis, so that they can follow my numbers down to zero. I've had to do this before and it just seems to make everything drag on and on, but it's the safest way to ensure things are happening as they should.

Happy Birthday Isaac!

A "must read" for me right now

God doesn't give grace in advance

Thank you, Melissa!

Another update

Thank you so much for each of your prayers. You have no idea what it means to me to know you care. Please know that you and your families are in my prayers, too.

I didn't realize this until later today, but Mark had actually been secretly praying for a miracle...that somehow the first ultrasound was a mistake and that the baby would be alive and well with a strong heartbeat. I suppose the fact that I was still experiencing a few pregnancy symptoms, and "nothing" was happening yet encouraged these thoughts. I don't know if I am lacking in faith right now or if I am just being realistic but this thought came into my mind only once, when I quickly pushed it out again so as not to have any false hope. I am so quick to accept God's will, that I oftentimes forget to even ask for a miracle.

Anyway, I finally decided to give my Dr. a call. I ended up going in this morning, where I had another ultrasound done, prior to seeing my Dr. I will try to sum up what is/is not going on as clearly and briefly as I can. Basically, I continue to perplex my Dr. She really couldn't believe that I hadn't passed the baby yet. She, like Mark, was secretly hoping for a miracle, that the last ultrasound was just a mistake and that we would find a heartbeat this time and all would be fine. Instead, the fetus has pretty much disappeared. I guess, after this long, things start happening and the body reabsorbs things. This was very depressing to me, as I'm sure you all know. I mean, I can't even wrap my mind around it. It seems such a cruel irony... BUT, my sac is measuring 12 weeks, which is what it would measure at this point, if I were still pregnant, since I would be about 11 1/2 weeks. And it doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon. So, now, she is speculating all sorts of things: an ectopic (a 2nd embryo implanted somewhere outside of the uterus) but I am not having any pain, a mole (did not retain much of what she told me about this and haven't researched it at all), or possibly, a 2nd pregnancy. Yes, that's right. A 2nd pregnancy. Well, we didn't get our miracle with having the first ultrasound be a mistake, but I tell you, if there were a 2nd embryo about to appear, that would certainly be a miracle! Not that I'm hopeful, because I'm not, but she said it is possible. Here's how that would work... At the time I miscarried but didn't actually "know" yet (6 1/2 weeks), my body could have signalled my ovary to release another egg. If this happened, and it was fertilized, then, voila - another baby! But, it would actually be a little early to see at this point, thus the explanation for an empty sac. She said this is rare, but possible. To be honest, it would only be wishful thinking for me. I just don't see that being the case. So, instead of relying on speculation, she ordered Lab to draw my blood for a beta hCG and I will have it done again tomorrow to have something to compare it too. If it goes up, could be ectopic or baby #2. If it goes down, things could happen soon. If it stays the same, NOT good. So, I will keep you posted.

Also, I did ask my Dr. about giving me the baby's remains (for burial) following a D&C, should that become the next step, and other than the fact that they have to send a portion off to be tested, and the fact that nothing would be recognizable at all, she didn't have a problem with it. But she is in no rush to do a D&C, unless I am suffering from depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation, etc. and I just want one for my sanity. If only a D&C could fix my insanity...

Well, I am starting to forget how excited we were at the thought of having another baby, and sometimes I wonder if it was all real or just "in my head", so when I was in for my ultrasound, I asked if she still had the picture she took 3 weeks ago, when there was an embryo measuring approximately 6 1/2 weeks and she did, so I now have a picture of this baby, to prove there really was one, that most likely will only be in Heaven and in my heart forever, and no where else.

Things that are hard...

Being around other pregnant women is not generally what is hard right now. What is hard is being around pregnant women who know what is going on with me and can't help rubbing their tummy in my presence. Right in front of me. I know they don't mean anything by it, but it is still very painful. It feels like they are oblivious to my pain or just don't care.

Another thing that is hard is being around pregnant women who drink or even sip wine or other alcoholic beverages. Anyone who knows me, knows my philosophy while I am pregnant and/or breastfeeding. If it has caffeine or alcohol, I won't touch it. I know that a teensy weensy amount won't affect the baby. BUT, WHY?!?! I won't die without it, so I just avoid it. Now, here I am, still pregnant, only with a dead baby, and, because I am still breastfeeding, I don't drink the wine. But the one who is pregnant with a live baby, is sipping on wine. Talk about a slap in the face! It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how careful one is, we are still not in control. God is.

This past weekend...

...was absolutely crazy! Sydney's spring dance show was on Saturday. Dress rehearsal was Saturday morning at 10:30 AM and the actual show was at 7:00 PM. This meant I had to get her dressed, fix her hair and put makeup on her twice in one day. (I hate putting makeup on my 5-year-old! She has such beautiful, flawless skin and IMO, is so pretty. I just don't want her to grow up with a low self-esteem like I did and eventually get to the point that she can't leave the house without makeup on, like me. And I also want her to wear a lot less of it when that time does come. But, with her pale skin, she really did need some for the stage; otherwise, she would look very washed out.) Anyway, after the rehearsal, we came home, ate lunch, and then I helped her wash her face and hair and we put her down for a nap. Now that she is almost 6, she doesn't typically take naps. She hasn't been a regular napper for probably nearly 2 years. But, when she is exhausted, she will sleep during the day. For a VERY long time. Then she has trouble going to sleep at night. When she was younger, she always slept better at night after having had a good nap during the day. On Saturday, she was definately exhausted, so she slept for over 3 hours!!! I ended up having to wake her up so she could start getting ready all over again. This day wouldn't have been half as hard, if it weren't for the fact that we had an early birthday party planned for her. Since everyone was going to be in town for other events this weekend, we decided to go ahead and invite everyone over to our house for homemade chicken salad sandwiches, cake and ice cream. It wasn't that many people, but it was still work. And it made for a very late night! But Sydney was so excited and had so much fun! It was all worth it... Besides, she did have a nap! =)

I do have to say that Sydney is extremely grateful for what she has and for what people give her. I could not have asked for a better reaction from her upon opening each gift. For example, when her Mimi & Popo gave her a gift bag with Shampoo & Detangler in it, she screamed, "Yeah! Shampoo and Detangler! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Then, when she found two clips in the bottom of the bag, she reached in and pulled them out to show everyone and screamed "Thank you, Mimi & Popo!" I just have to add that Mimi was just returning them to her as she had left them at her house the last time she was there. So, they weren't actually a gift; they were hers to begin with. The whole room filled with laughter!

The weekend was only half over at this point. The following morning, we went to Mass in Ganado for Mark's parents' 40th Anniversary. Then we went to their house for lunch. Following that, we hosted a bridal shower for my sister, who is getting married in July. Mark stayed at his parents' house and took the girls swimming for the first time this year while I was at the shower. Last weekend, they were both still getting over ear infections, so we opted out of getting them in the pool. Yes, it was a busy weekend, but it's over. And I wasn't ever too busy to remember what is going on with me...it's kind of hard to forget.